After being really down yesterday I tried to pull myself together today and cheer myself up. And I came across this little clip, which, although I have seen the movie before, just did it for me. There’s really nothing better than animation films, watch and enjoy:
On days like this I feel empty inside, broken and beyond repair. In this huge world of 7 billion people, in this household with a loving family of 5, I feel alone, estranged. Like there’s nobody for me and I am for nobody. People talk to me, they notice and see me suffering. That’s not who I usually am. Usually I’m a young woman full of life, love and laughter. When they see me like this, when they see the façade crumbling down, they ask questions. But what do I say, when I don’t know the answer myself? All I can do is let the feelings pour out through my eyes. And then I think how stupid, silly and overly dramatic I’m acting and hide those evidences as fast as I can.
Is it possible to forget how to love?
I’m scared, what if I can’t do this anymore, what if I cannot love anymore? What if nothing ever sweeps me off of my feet again, what if I never get the cozy, warm and comfortable feeling in my tummy with anyone anymore? This scares me, because there have been people I met, people who loved me, people with whom I could have had this feelings, but they didn’t come. I felt empty every time, all I felt was a compassion and I felt bad for not being able to reciprocate feelings, like mine haven’t been reciprocated before by him.
It’s like I forgot how to love, like this ability has been sucked out of me. I’m cold and I don’t know why. I see people, honestly caring about me, but it doesn’t touch me like it should. Why doesn’t it? Why do I feel so isolated? Like there’s an invisible wall around me, that hinders me to really get touched by anything.
It’s like past experiences have robbed me of this basic trust in people, trust, that people may actually be willing to stick with me, trust that things can be good, trust that not all things crash badly and trust that they will not hurt me or leave me. Trust, that they honestly care about me and my feelings and trust in myself, trust that I can be happy again.
All I see today, on days like this, is me being lonely in a world full of loving and caring people, me, lost inside myself.
On days like these, I miss you. I miss you a lot.
Like small flashbacks, pieces of memory start playing. They’re like a movie in front of my eyes and they take me away, from where I am, from where I arrived. Suddenly, it’s like I am living through those moments again: I feel you, I can hear your voice, feel you on my skin, smell your perfume. It’s like you are attached to me invisibly, yet you are visible to all my senses. I get butterflies in my stomach all over again, I feel myself comforted in your embrace.
I used to love these memories, they kept you close to me and for a moment I could forget how many miles there were in between. I was happy because I knew, that in some time, we would meet and those moments would be real again.
But nowadays, when suddenly some other voice, some other sound cruelly pulls me back to where I am now, I realize: I am infinitely far away, we’re on different paths, that lead us to opposite directions. How did you survive as vivid memories inside of me? Why are you haunting me? Why can’t you just become a face I knew, a person in a photograph, a person from the past? Why is there a strength in your memories, that pulls me away from reality?
Why?
I miss you, the old you. I miss us, the old us. But I know, these old things won’t ever be coming back again. And this makes me sad, it makes me bitter and it makes me angry.
“When people hurt you, think of them like a sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you, but in the end you end up polished and they end up useless.”
and
Now,
and therefore, I can’t stop feeling and saying that
I hate you,
your pictures in my room,
your smile I see with closed eyes,
your voice I hear alone in the night,
your smell in my neck.
I hate you,
your memories etched upon my mind,
your words running through my veins,
your feelings caught in my heart.
I hate you,
your lies about the past,
your fake promises about the future,
your recreancy in the present.
I hate you.
One conversation, one question, one answer, one word and things changed – irrevocably.
One word that felt like a tight slap in the face, like a firm push into a dark canyon, like a cut in my chest and fire in my throat. One answer that turned things upside down, that turned my sadness and hope into depression and hopelessness. Everything, just one question far away. One text conversation that revealed the coward reality behind the blurry feelings of the past and the future of tomorrow.
Him: “So, I was introduced to this girl and I went in there with bad, bad expectations.”
Me: “Okay.”
Him: “But things went surprisingly well.”
Me: “Nice.”
Him: “Things have gone quite fast in the past weeks.”
~ Long Pause ~
Me: “Do you think it’s gonna happen?”
Him: “Yes.”
~ Pause ~
Him: “I think engagement by next month.”
~ Long Pause ~
Me: “Well, congrats then, I guess.”
Him: “Thanks. I wanted to tell you.”
~ Very long pause ~
Him: “Are you okay with it?”
And today I heard about the official announcment of the engagement. One word, that erased three years and a lifetime. Several weeks, that were enough to form a yes. A simple yes, three cruel letters.
You know there’s one good thing about broken pieces: they can’t break all over again. They start turning to dust at some point.
When they look at me, they see a well-dressed and confident young girl, but they don’t see the insecurity and anxiety I feel about my being.
When they look at me, they see a fit and awake body, but they don’t see my sleepy and tired mind.
When they look at me, they see eyes full of focused ambition, but they don’t see the ocean of tears behind it, where inspiration and light-hearted dreams drowned.
When they look at me, they see a friendly smile, but they don’t see the scars it tries to hide.
When they talk to me, they hear a gentle voice, but they don’t hear the screams of my heart.
When they are with me, they notice a helpful soul, but they don’t see that I crave encouragement and comfort as well.
When they look at me, they see a sociable character, but they don’t see that I’m alone and feeling lonely.
When they look at me, they see someone loving people around her, but they don’t see that I hate myself.
When they look at me, they see a person spreading light, but they don’t see the darkness I’m falling into.
When they look at me, they see a woman who has it all figured out, but they don’t see that I don’t understand myself.
What do they see, when they look at me?
Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them.
“Do you ever just get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? you don’t want to smile, and you don’t want to fake being happy.
