On days like this I feel empty inside, broken and beyond repair. In this huge world of 7 billion people, in this household with a loving family of 5, I feel alone, estranged. Like there’s nobody for me and I am for nobody. People talk to me, they notice and see me suffering. That’s not who I usually am. Usually I’m a young woman full of life, love and laughter. When they see me like this, when they see the façade crumbling down, they ask questions. But what do I say, when I don’t know the answer myself? All I can do is let the feelings pour out through my eyes. And then I think how stupid, silly and overly dramatic I’m acting and hide those evidences as fast as I can.
Is it possible to forget how to love?
I’m scared, what if I can’t do this anymore, what if I cannot love anymore? What if nothing ever sweeps me off of my feet again, what if I never get the cozy, warm and comfortable feeling in my tummy with anyone anymore? This scares me, because there have been people I met, people who loved me, people with whom I could have had this feelings, but they didn’t come. I felt empty every time, all I felt was a compassion and I felt bad for not being able to reciprocate feelings, like mine haven’t been reciprocated before by him.
It’s like I forgot how to love, like this ability has been sucked out of me. I’m cold and I don’t know why. I see people, honestly caring about me, but it doesn’t touch me like it should. Why doesn’t it? Why do I feel so isolated? Like there’s an invisible wall around me, that hinders me to really get touched by anything.
It’s like past experiences have robbed me of this basic trust in people, trust, that people may actually be willing to stick with me, trust that things can be good, trust that not all things crash badly and trust that they will not hurt me or leave me. Trust, that they honestly care about me and my feelings and trust in myself, trust that I can be happy again.
All I see today, on days like this, is me being lonely in a world full of loving and caring people, me, lost inside myself.