I want a love I can kiss as soon as I wake up in the morning without minding the morning breath. I want a love that can bear riding jeepneys and tricycles amidst the polluted city air. I want a love I can stay in bed with on a lazy day and just talk about our dreams and silly stories and places we’d like to travel.
After being really down yesterday I tried to pull myself together today and cheer myself up. And I came across this little clip, which, although I have seen the movie before, just did it for me. There’s really nothing better than animation films, watch and enjoy:
On days like this I feel empty inside, broken and beyond repair. In this huge world of 7 billion people, in this household with a loving family of 5, I feel alone, estranged. Like there’s nobody for me and I am for nobody. People talk to me, they notice and see me suffering. That’s not who I usually am. Usually I’m a young woman full of life, love and laughter. When they see me like this, when they see the façade crumbling down, they ask questions. But what do I say, when I don’t know the answer myself? All I can do is let the feelings pour out through my eyes. And then I think how stupid, silly and overly dramatic I’m acting and hide those evidences as fast as I can.
Is it possible to forget how to love?
I’m scared, what if I can’t do this anymore, what if I cannot love anymore? What if nothing ever sweeps me off of my feet again, what if I never get the cozy, warm and comfortable feeling in my tummy with anyone anymore? This scares me, because there have been people I met, people who loved me, people with whom I could have had this feelings, but they didn’t come. I felt empty every time, all I felt was a compassion and I felt bad for not being able to reciprocate feelings, like mine haven’t been reciprocated before by him.
It’s like I forgot how to love, like this ability has been sucked out of me. I’m cold and I don’t know why. I see people, honestly caring about me, but it doesn’t touch me like it should. Why doesn’t it? Why do I feel so isolated? Like there’s an invisible wall around me, that hinders me to really get touched by anything.
It’s like past experiences have robbed me of this basic trust in people, trust, that people may actually be willing to stick with me, trust that things can be good, trust that not all things crash badly and trust that they will not hurt me or leave me. Trust, that they honestly care about me and my feelings and trust in myself, trust that I can be happy again.
All I see today, on days like this, is me being lonely in a world full of loving and caring people, me, lost inside myself.
Image found here.
Now, that I’m officially back to blogging after months, I was uberly happy to read, that I was nominated for The Addictive Blog Award! This is my very first blog award, yayiiiii!
Thank you so much to my fellow blogger over at sexinmiami.wordpress.com! I’m glad that you find my blog addictive, because I’ve been addicted to yours, too! Sweet friends, sexinmiami gives some great relationship and heartbreak advises and I would especially recommend her post “15 Little Lessons for a way better life“.
Why did I start blogging?
I’ve started this blog during a very difficult phase in my life. I was in a relationship, which was crumbling for a long time and finally broke this year. This incident left me empty and hollow, it seemed to have taken my past, present and future. I was becoming more and more depressed and even though friends and family have been there all the time, I felt, they were starting to get sick of me and my depressive mood. I felt like a burden on them and turned away from everyone. I started feeling even more lonely, lonelier than I already was. In this time, I needed an outlet, where I could be me, where I could share my thoughts and feelings, without being judged in any way. Moreover, I needed to listen to and talk to other people, who had experienced similarly. This blog and the WordPress blogosphere has been a therapy for me and it still is.
Thank the person awarding you. Share a little about why you blog and how the journey started. Paste the blog award on your page. Nominate 10 other bloggers you feel deserve the award. I find the following blogs addictive:
I’m cheating on no. 10, I know these two are friends so I’ll nominate both, but it counts as one ;) http://karenslatte.wordpress.com/ and http://breezyk.wordpress.com/
Lovely friends and followers, I’ve found my way back to this blog! Thanks for holding on to me and still visiting my blog from time to time.
I’ve been absent due to several reasons: first there were exams, after that I went on vacation and took a trip to Rome. I had a great time and Rome is truly a beautiful and inspiring city. With the history, which is beautifully cherished and captivated, it takes you centuries back in time. But I’ll be blogging about the trip in more detail later on. When I came back, there were some other assignments, I got sick and then work started again and this came with pleasant surprises and new responsibilities (I’ll be blogging about this soon, too).
The past year and especially the beginning of 2012 pushed me to my limits. The summer now has been like balm on my scarred soul.
Friends stay tuned, rains seem to have almost passed and rainbows are beginning to show on my path :)